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Things were so good at the start of the relationship, it felt that you had conquered it all.

The expectations were set..

There was affection the way you wanted..

Validation was given when you were seeking, and it was a beautiful garden.

This garden was getting all the care it needed. But just like your plants in the garden need water, sunlight and good soil, your relationship requires constant care and that is with effective communication.

You can look at it as a bridge that connects you to your partner. If this bridge is not strong, no matter how much love is felt and shown, it gets dropped on that under-constructed bridge gaps. While the construction takes time for any bridge, effective communication isn’t always as effortless as a gentle breeze through the garden. It takes dedication, practice, and a whole lot of patience.

Do you actually listen to your partner? Do they feel heard?

Active Listening is a casually used jargon but it is actually the most critical aspect of you feeling close to your partner. It is not just about hearing those words and when you get asked about what you heard, you simply repeat. It is about picking the emotions, the lines that were not said, and the perspective they have about the situation/world. How can you learn this?

Exercise: You Talk, I Talk

Now this can seem like a useless exercise at first but if you really want to reduce the fights or make yourself heard as well, genuinely attempt. You will be surprised how close you would end up feeling with your partner.

1. Choose a quiet, distraction-free space. Take turns sharing a recent experience, positive or negative.
2. After each person speaks, the listener uses the “mirroring” technique. Briefly summarise what you heard, focusing on both the content and the emotions expressed.
3. Phrases like “So what you’re saying is…” or “It sounds like you’re feeling…” can be helpful. Encourage the speaker to clarify or elaborate if needed.

Do you have those fights where you feel that the words were taken out of context?

Or does the direction of the conversation take a wrong turn? How to express yourself clearly and respectfully?

While active listening is important, effectively expressing yourself is like planting the seeds of understanding in your relationship’s garden. How do I make this “dhaniya ka paudha” flourish? How to nurture clear and respectful communication?

• Since it is your turn to express yourself, use statements with “I” so it is about your expressing feelings and how situations made you feel. Owning your feelings is key. Instead of accusatory statements like “You always forget to do this,” try “I feel frustrated when we don’t work like a team.”
• Focus on the Present Moment: What has been addressed before doesn’t have to be brought up again. We all learn to deal with past issues in our own way. Address current issues first or have specific instances from the past that weren’t addressed that made you feel differently.
• Timing is Everything: If you or your partner are in a stressful situation or exhausted, it is best to wait for a calm and receptive time to initiate the dialogue.

Don’t we all want validation and kindness?

Oh my god! How validated does it feel when someone acknowledges your feelings? This involves stepping into your partner’s shoes and trying to see things from their perspective. Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t agree with them. It is ok if two people think and feel differently 😁

Phrases like “I understand why you feel that way” or “What do you need that can make you feel better?” can go a long way in validating their experience.

The most important and inevitable part of healthy communication of all – Conflict Resolution!

It is sooo easy to just blame but it is important to realise that the person who you are blaming is your partner and well, if you have blamed them before, you know how they take it or the progress you have made.

How do you think this one will be any different? It is important for your next conflict to have a constructive loop. How do you have to navigate that?

• Blame Game is easy and also a patchy job – Focus on Problem Solving: Work together to find solutions that address both your needs. Think of yourselves as teammates tackling a challenge because if they lose, you lose.
• Avoid Blaming and Criticizing: Focus on the issue at hand, not personal attacks.
• Compromise is Key: Finding common ground is essential for resolving conflict. You can’t easily expect a person to change their nature/personality overnight. Habits can still change. Pick your fight.

Exercise: “Calm Down and Come Back”

1. During a disagreement, Never ask a person to “relax” or “Calm down”. You can ask for a break so that you both get space and time to process your emotions and come back. If emotions escalate, acknowledge the tension and suggest a short break. “I can see this is getting heated. Let’s take a few minutes to cool down and come back to this when we’re calmer.”
2. Use the break to practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing or meditation.
3. When you reconvene, approach the issue with a renewed sense of calm and focus on finding solutions.

How to gain that trust and respect through communication?

It is easy to talk about trust and respect and these are the most difficult to earn. This requires consistency over a period of time which means it requires patience as well. Only when you see the other person showing that consistency and effort would you end up trusting them. It is easy to lose sight of the impact of words or actions during conflict and here are some things you can do to strengthen the resolve:

• Practice Regular Communication: Don’t wait for problems to arise before talking. Make time for daily conversations, even if it’s just for 15 minutes. Share your day and your thoughts. Take time out to enjoy the company like you did before.
• Be Honest and Truthful: Building trust requires open communication, even when it’s difficult. However, honesty doesn’t mean brutal frankness. Express yourself with kindness and respect.
• Show Appreciation: Don’t take your partner for granted. Express gratitude for their presence in your life, their support, and the positive aspects of your relationship.

Exercise: The “Gratitude Jar”

1. Decorate a jar together and label it “Gratitude Jar.”
2. Throughout the month, write down small things you appreciate about your partner on slips of paper. It could be a kind gesture, a funny remark, or simply their presence.
3. At the end of the week or month, take turns picking a slip and reading it aloud. Share how much these actions mean to you.

Just like a marathon is not about the endpoint because you can cover that distance with a car, but it is the sweat and days of dedication that take you there. All good things are built over a period of time, instant gratification has never been helpful long term.

For further exploration, consider these additional resources:

• The Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com/
• The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center: http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/